Beowulf is Metal!!

Vikings and mouth-breathers UNITE!!!

I am late to the party but Beowulf freaking rocks dude!! I’ll probably say a lot here that you already know and/or disagree with, but whatever. As an English teacher, it’s pretty embarrassing that this has been a blind spot of mine for as long as it has been. My boy Beowulf and his little life story are routinely written off as a boring chore that you only read in high school! WRONG! This thing is METAL!! RAAAHH!!! Now let me YELL AT THE WALL!!!! RAHHHH!!!!

I read Burton Raffel’s 1963 translation of Beowulf, and most of the time, it reads much closer to some pulp fantasy paperback than it does The Canterbury Tales. I’m also reading Blood Meridian at the moment and, honestly, I had an easier time following Beowulf!! Yeah man, this thing is a smooth read, so long as you get used to its poetic build. This isn’t a poem in the sense of kids being able to skip rope and hop down the sidewalk while reciting Grendel getting his ass whooped by Beowulf, it’s more in the sense that there’s a ton of alliteration and about four strong stresses in each line. Welcome to English class.

JUST KIDDING DON’T GO!! Forget all of that!!!! This thing is badass! It’s like a 1,000 year old prog rock album cover. Why am I out here going to battle for a story that pretty much everyone has already read?? You at least probably have a strong idea of what this story is and think it’s a slog and is super boring and are willing to trust the better judgement of your 17-year-old self. Think again, bud. You might also feel like you’re reading some dude talk about how great The Beatles are, or why The Godfather is worth your time. But are you out here rushing to pick up a copy of Beowulf? No! And I don’t blame you. I read this to knock out some self-assigned homework and was pretty intimidated heading in. What I ended up with was a pretty sick hang with some vikings.

Not only is Beowulf a more enjoyable read than you might expect, but the man himself is a grade A trash talker. I would stop to describe this story’s various fantastical images or many bloody throw downs but, instead, I’ll hit you with this guy’s own words. This little excerpt comes from right before our titular character takes on his first major battle, that being with Grendel.

“I have come so far,
Oh shelterer of warriors and your people’s loved
friend,
That this one favor you should not refuse me —
That I, alone and with the help of my men,
May purge all evil from this hall. I have heard,
Too, that the monster’s scorn of men
Is so great that he needs no weapons and fears
none.
Nor will I. My lord Higlac
Might think less of me if I let my sword
Go where my feet were afraid to, if I hid
Behind some broad linden shield: my hands
Alone shall fight for me, struggle for life
Against the monster. God must decide
Who will be given to death’s cold grip.”

That little bit of trash talk hits about 15 pages in, and when I read that, I was sold. Beowulf is just out here throwing his weapons to the side, all jacked up and ready to fight a demon with his bare hands, and leaving it up to God. And I’m out here walking a half mile per hour over a patch of ice with my arms out to the sides like a little geek maestro!

Any time Beowulf isn’t giving bombastic speeches about how awesome he is or how he could kick everyone’s butt, the poem is detailing someone’s great journey here or there. There are always dismembered body parts lying about, treasures scattered across every room, and fog-laden landscapes to venture through. You might say this all feels pretty cliche, but, while reading Beowulf, I’d be more willing to bet that you’ll find yourself thinking “Yeah, I can see why every last fantasy author ever ripped this thing off". These tried and true fantasy elements feel familiar, yes, but also, honestly, fresh. Even Tolkien pulled nearly every element of Smaug from Beowulf. In case you think that’s a stretch and are unaware of old JRR’s interests, Tolkien even went out of his way to translate this thing himself. The dude was a fan.

Anyways, Beowulf goes on to fight Grendel’s mom and, fifty years later, a big ass dragon. Both scenes rock. I won’t go off and spell much else out for you, just know that this story moves at a brisk pace. There’s next to no internal dialogue or much knowledge about where characters are actually coming from. Beowulf just kinda moves through massive set pieces quickly and with the meat and potatoes of its action scenes given. Like you, I also usually prefer to know where my characters are coming from. That said, it’s kind of fun just getting in and out with what have now become archetypal fantasy elements.

I could keep going but I need to go jog. I think the best way I put it was that this poem feels like a 1,000 year old prog rock album cover. If you know what I mean and that speaks anything to you, then sweet. My translation was just under 100 pages, it took no time to read. Give your old high school English teacher another chance and dust off your old copy of Beowulf. You’ll probably want to eat a whole steak after and yell at the sky and do sixteen pushups.

- Sam Williamson